Fake

I know the real you, and you can't hide it for too long. Save your lies for someone who believes them, because I'm not buying it. You haven't changed one bit. You're the scum of the earth. You pretend you love God and basterdize the Christian religion with your fake sincerity. It takes all that I have in me to not tear off that mask you wear and expose your true face to all who know you. I can smell the stench of your lies a million miles away, and it pains me to see others that you have fooled fall because of you. God has cast a shadow upon you that I can see. He warns me of your lies and your blasphemic actions. I can only hope that others who come in contact with you are aware of this as I am. And so I warn those who care for themselves, beware.

Boyfriend?

Yes. A new relationship. I myself am even thinking why would I do this to myself? But for some reason I want to try it. Who knows what will happen and the only way to find out is to just close your eyes and jump. He seems sincere enough so I'm hoping it will last, the sincerity that is. But for now all I can do is just wait. I have the guidance of Scarlet so I know that I will at least be a little safe for a while. I am praying I don't get hurt.

Let Down

This hot air balloon I'm floating on
Makes it easier to bear now that everything is wrong
Just a taste of fantasy
When chaos fills reality
I'll just stay on this intangible cloud
The world below has just gotten way too loud
I can't keep up with the fast paced society
I don't quite have the mental sobriety
And when the sky gets a little dark
I'll let myself drift among the stars
I trusted you to not let me fall
But you left me here without anything at all

Too Little Too Soon

My father (my real one) is once again leaving, as he always seems to do. I know this is a great opportunity for him, but I can't help but feel disappointed now. And I cannot tell him these things because it will make me seem selfish. I just have so much in my mind now, and I want to blurt it all out, but I can't. I really could use a friend right now, but I know that won't happen. I want to tell him how angry I am with him because he wasn't part of my life, how he never helped me when my mother became too overbearing. I want to tell him to not leave because he just got here and its breaking my heart that he's leaving. But I can't say any of this, not to anyone. Because nobody will listen...

I Am Finally Done

I'm done with all of this. I'm done with dumb guys telling me I'm fat, leading me on, playing with my mind and my heart. Forget it, I'm done. I've come to the conclusion that all guys from Christ Fellowship are self-centered jerks who only think of themselves, and I am done with them. Its come to the point where I don't even want to be at that church anymore thats how hurt I am. I just can't take it anymore. I want to leave and never come back. I am so sick of everything.

Gun Powder & Lead

I feel like I am hardening, or at least my heart is. I know the next relationship I will have I will be a jerk, and I feel so bad for the guy. It's like I've been burned so much by guys that I feel like I will be a jerk.

Oddities & Abnormalities

I feel like God has blessed me with the ability to be humored by oddities in the world, and by immersing me in the abnormalities of life. Last night as I was leaving FIU, I saw a homeless man on a unicycle. That literally made my day good. Then today, as I was driving, I glance to my right at a stop sign where a daycare is, and I watch (unsuspecting) as a 3 year old tries to escape the day care by riding full speed on a big wheel into a huge metal gate. That made my day epic. Then there are just the abnormalities I see. Then while I was driving to school I see this truck pulling a bizarre trailer. Crazy. Then a few days ago I was driving home from work and I see a sort of mini fire truck for like midgets! That was insane looking. Then, last weekend I went to The Holy Land Experience for my moms birthday and they had these creepy Jesus cutouts!

Needs

I need to get away. Everything has become overwhelming, pulling me under, deeper and deeper into the black sea. The waves pound against my ribs, suffocating my lungs. I can't find the surface, I can't find air. I struggle against the furious waters, losing this battle. It all seemed so innocent before, when I stood at the cliff, staring into the sea, exhilarated by its power. I thought I could handle it when I jumped from the ledge, allowing the waves to pull me in. But now as I struggle to breathe, I realize that things are not always as they seem. And with my last breath, I curse the world around me.

Serious Questions

Albert Camus wrote that the only serious question is whether to kill yourself or not. Tom Robbins wrote that the only serious question is whether time has a beginning or an end. Camus clearly got up on the wrong side of the bed, and Robbins must have forgotten to set the alarm. There is only one serious question. And that is: Who knows how to make love stay? Answer me that and I will tell you whether or not to kill yourself. Answer me that and I will ease your mind about the beginning and the end of time. Answer me that and I will reveal to you the purpose of the moon.

Dreams

The last few nights I've been having some very bizarre dreams. Some of them are just weird, and some of them really scare me. My next few posts will probably, and more than likely, be about these dreams. The weird ones leave me confused and wondering. Like the dream I had where my arms wouldn't stop growing at an alarming rate. They grew so long they dragged across the floor. Or one time I dreamed the I shrunk to the size of a walnut and birds were trying to eat me, and people were trying to squish me. But the ones that scare me always come in the form of a night terror; when I wake up I still think I am dreaming; the dream seeming so real I can feel everything. In one of these a faceless figure in a long black cloak had pushed me into a deep pit, laughing a sadistic laugh as I fell into the fiery pit of the hole. Another was the world ending. I could see the flames among the Earth, smell the burning bodies, hear the screams. I was the only one to survive and I felt the loneliness. But the latest dream, from last night, scared me the most. I was becoming some kind of monster, and i could actually feel it. I could actually feel my eyes turn red, and the anger burning in my chest. I couldn't control myself as I let the anger fill me and I kill everyone I knew and didn't know with my bare hands. I always wake up scared, always feeling sore and like I didn't sleep at all.

Happy Anniversary To Me :D

Today is my 1 year anniversary to living a pure and clean life. I am so proud of myself. Looking back, I can't even imagine how I could have been that way. My life now is so much more fulfilled the way I am now. I wanted to do something special, but I don't think that's going to happen. I don't really have anyone to do anything special with. My friends don't really have time for me, my parents are busy; I guess I'll just be by myself again. Not exactly how I wanted to spend today.

Choices

Each morning when you I up, I have two choices. I can choose to be in a good mood, or I can choose to be in a bad mood. I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim, or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining, or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.

Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live your life. Attitude, after all, is everything. "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34

A Book That Ends With No Last Page

And here I shall wash my hands of this all. It is with a heavy, yet somehow light heart at the same time I say it is finished. I've taken the time to step back from my life (a sort of out of body experience, if you will) and examine myself. I've been thinking of going north and west. Seattle, like I was considering beforehand. However there is the matter of school. I've just felt extremely confused lately. About everything. I just feel like leaving it all behind and starting new. And so I leave this tale to be unfinished, and untold...

Distance

I've never appreciated the beauty of being with someone I care about close to me, and now since there is this distance, its killing me.

Distance never separates two hearts that really care, for our memories span the miles and in seconds we are there. But whenever I start feeling sad, because I miss you, I remind myself how lucky I am to have someone so special to miss.

Missing someone gets easier everyday because even though you are one day further from the last time you saw them, you are one day closer to the next time you will.

So hopefully I get to visit Jerry in November. He's amazing, and I'm really hoping I can. I'll be going with my friend Jessi so it'll be pretty awesome :) oh the anticipation :)

Guys

So since Simon and I have broken up, a few guys have become interested in me... or so I think. I don't know what's wrong with me, I just have recently felt like I have the plague or something. Its like, one minute a guy is interested, and the next he's not. I don't understand it, and I'm starting to feel like I'll be alone forever. I don't know if I'm just being paranoid, but here's what I mean:

- B: We went out on a date, and everything was great. Then all of a sudden, its like he falls off the face of the earth. No contact.
- A: We also went out on a date. In fact, everything went exceptionally well. We stayed out late, laughed, talked, had a lot in common, and then... BAM! He takes out another girl and I don't exist. No contact. He tells people he's stuck between deciding on me & that other girl, but I don't see how that's possible since he hasn't even tried with me.
- R: Blast from the past. Which is all great and everything, but since he's a few miles farther than I'd like, you'd think he'd at least try to keep better contact. But nope. A few nice conversations, and he disappears, like them all.
- M: He is always constantly in and out.

I just don't understand why I'm being put through this crap. I'm just sick of being toyed with.

Friends

Friends aren't friends unless they act like friends. They don't slander you, they don't demean, and they don't treat you like garbage. They would never ignore you and they are they when you need them. So those who do these are not friends. I have been walked on like a doormat for so long, and I am no longer going to tolerate such abuse. You've pushed me to my limit, and I've come to the point where I don't care anymore. I just don't.

Ode of Resentment

Before I met you I was
STRONG
SELF ASSURED
I wasn't afraid of
ANYTHING
And I knew what I
WANTED
But you came in like a wolf in sheep's clothing
With destruction on the end of your tongue.
You beat me down with everything you had
Sending me into an emotional whirlwind.
You pointed to my faults in the most malicious manner,
Unforgiving of what I cannot change in your eyes.
You made me into this
WEAK
SELF-CONSCIOUS
INSECURE
SCARED
Person I never wanted to become.

You're Like Salt On An Open Wound

I wish I had never met you, because if I hadn't met you I wouldn't know how much of a failure I am. I wouldn't know ow incompetent I am. I wouldn't know how dumb I am. I wouldn't know how ugly I am. I wouldn't know how much I lacked in my spiritual life. I wouldn't know how useless I am. I wouldn't know how unskilled I am. I wouldn't know that my condition is something to be ashamed of. I wouldn't know that I am not someone to be proud of. I wouldn't know I am worthless. I wouldn't feel so bad about myself. But most of all, I wouldn't know what it felt like to have my heart shattered by someone I ultimately trusted.

Something Old & New, Nothing Borrowed or Blue Yet

Something Old:
She Is

She is sometimes way up high
And sometimes way down low
She can often get to freaking out
She can get to being slow
She can also be obnoxious
But mostly she's learning to grow

She sometimes is easily crumbled
When she feels a little weak
She was fortunate enough to be given the world
But she forgets her heart is on her sleeve
Although that didn't work out all the time
When everyone she let in would leave

But now I'm learning
To be strong
When things aren't easy
When things go wrong
Yeah I'm learning
To keep myself fighting
To stand out in the rain
I can feel the lightning

She can often be difficult to deal
Often too tough to be reasoned
She sometimes acts a little crazy
Sometimes too stubborn to listen
She tries so hard to hide her fears
But lets them out when nobody's near

But now I'm learning
To be strong
When things aren't easy
When things go wrong
Yeah, I'm learning
To keep myself fighting
To stand out in the rain
I can feel the lightning

And now I think it's safe to say

She's the grace of God
The sunshine through the clouds
She's the hope in the light
She's not afraid to make it loud
She's not afraid to dream
And now she's finally proud
She is finally proud
She found who she could be
I found who I can be
She is me

Something New:
College Group - August 23, 2009
Empty Words -> Matthew 7:21 - 27
Don't go through life self-deceived. Your life must change.
Your life must be an outward expression of an inward change.
Discussion Questions:
1)What are your thoughts on this passage? Is it encouraging or terrifying? Or both?
2)How serious of a problem do you think this is within the Church today? What percentage of the people at Church would you say are self-deceived?
3)How does the passage from Matthew 7:24 - 27 directly relate to 21 - 23? (Hint: Rain & Flood are Final Judgment of God).
4)One of the most shocking things about this passage is the claims that these people are making, which include prophesying, exorcism, and miracles. How can it be that these people did such great things, and yet not enter the Kingdom of Heaven? What are some examples in the Bible where God uses ungodly people to accomplish His purpose? (Read John 11:49 - 53) (Also read Numbers 24:15 - 19 & 2 Peter 2:15)

and on a final note, Jose is awesome :)

He's an inconsiderate jerk, and I am so glad I'm through with him.

Things

I've been doing quite a lot of thinking. I do that a lot. I've been thinking about all sorts of things.

Things I Am:
- Unforgettable
- Hyper
- A Contradiction
- One of a Kind
- Loving
- Sweet
- Someone who tries really hard
- Talented
- Passionate
- A Christian
- An educator
- Artistic
- A Writer
- "Out There"
- A little bipolar sometimes
- An awesome friend
- A Good Time
- Smart
- A Trophy
- Someone's "perfect" woman
- Pretty awesome in general
- Asking you to add more if you think of anything?


Things I Like:
- Diet coke, too much
- Reading
- Writing
- Music
- Doctor shows that make me wish I could handle blood so I could be a doctor (ex: House, Scrubs)
- Scary movies when I'm in the mood
- Romantic movies
- Comedies that I can quote later on
- My sidekick
- My best frand Scarlet <3
- People who are honest, and aren't mean about the truth
- My aunt Jenny, she's more like a cooler older sister
- To sing, but I don't sing that well
- My tattoos
- God. A whole lot. He's awesome.
- People that make me laugh
- Pictures of ugly things
- Weddings
- Being appreciated

Things I Dislike:
- People that think they are better than they actually are
- People that drink too much
- People who can't spell/read/write/are just plain dumb
- People that have unhealthy addictions
- People with no drive
- People that always play "devils advocate," it gets annoying after a while
- Cheaters
- Liars
- Bad friends
- Trash talkers
- People who dislike me for reasons unknown. Grow up.
- People that curse a lot. It trashy.
- People who have sex just to do it
- People that do things everyone else does
- People that can't think for themselves
- People that aren't well educated. I can't seem to keep a conversation with idiots.
- People who don't respect themselves or me
- People who are judgmental

Pretty sure that's it for now, I'll more than likely add more later :)

Different

Sometimes I wish I was a different person. A different person with different thoughts, with a different life, different people to interact with. I wish my circumstances were different, with a different heart, and different eyes to see through. I wish I didn't fall in love, I wish I didn't even have the capability to even feel love. But then I realize, nothing is ever different, and nothing will ever change. I am the same person who will always be the one to get hurt, the one who will never amount to anything. The one who will be alone forever. Goodbye. It's not even worth it anymore.

Bad Friends & Panic

I have recently been reevaluating a lot of things in my life. More specifically, my friends, and I realize that I have a lot of, or used to have a lot of, bad friends. They aren't there when I need them, and they are so selfish, thinking only of themselves. I suppose this mostly irritates me because I am a good friend and do everything can for my friends, so when they let me down, it hurts extra hard. I deserve better.

And on that note, I've been having a lot of panic attacks lately. I don't know why, but it happens a lot. It gets really hot, and it gets really hard to breathe. So then I freak out and I have no idea what to do. I feel so bad. I feel like I'm having one now. What do I do? This really scares me...

Perfect

I've been having some pretty bizarre dreams lately. Last night I had a dream that I was hanging out with Scarlet and Brandon and some other people I didn't recognize. Then, because I'm exceptionally clumsy, I fell and a black widow spider bit me and crawled under my skin. Then Scarlet took my wrist, the point of penetration, and sucked out the spider and the venom. It was so weird. Then later on we were sitting in some room and she told me she hated Simon. lol it was so weird!

On brighter notes, well, at least less bizarre ones, I have a girl date with Scarlet and Brandi. I'm so excited for it :) I love both those girls and they are so wonderful :) They are exactly the kind of friends that I need, that I love, and that I want :) We're going to see The Ugly Truth at the movies in Homestead. I'm excited to see it, it looks hilarious! Yay girl time! <3

In regards of my book, I am exponentially grateful to have Scarlet as my freditor :) She helped me so much with my first 6 1/2 chapters (6 normal and 1 prologue). I've been busy editing that and continuing my book. I keep going back and fixing things instead of just writing straight through and then going back. Maybe that's good, maybe it's bad, I don't know lol Anyway, it's going great, especially since I've been sick the past couple days so this was all I could pretty much do. Thankfully I'm a lot better today so I can go on my girl date :)

"Love" takes a humorous direction

No, I'm not yet again rambling on about the Simon situation. This is merely an update on my book "Another Word for Love." I just abbreviated it to "Love" for title purposes on this blog. I took a tiny break from writing for a while, and I went back and reread what I had already written, and I started to realize, my main character doesn't even have a personality! So I decided to change that, and here is a little snippet :)

“Table for two, please.” Cross said to the hostess.
She was tall and angular; her long legs seemed to go on for miles from under her black pencil skirt. Her whole body was perfectly tan, despite the fact that we were well into the fall months and the temperature was dropping quickly. I suspected fake tanner. She smiled, showing off her perfect straight bleach white teeth, flipping her long brunette hair over her shoulder as she attempted to seductively reach for two menus. The name tag that sat strategically on her large left breast read “Kandy.” It sounded like a stripper’s name. She gathered the menus and glanced up through her fallen hair at Cross, trying to flirt, I suppose.
I wasn’t even on her radar. I didn’t exist. I wanted to reach my fist and plunge it into her fake nose.
“Right this way.” She enticingly utter in a butter smooth voice. Her black kitten heels clip clopped on the tile floors, and she intentionally shook her butt in front of Cross. I felt my face get hot with anger, but when I looked at Cross, his eyes were only on me. This both surprised me, and made me uncomfortable. I was obviously very plain next to this beautiful, yet slutty girl. Why is he looking at me?


So that's it for now :) I hope her changes make her seem more human.

Straight from Freak Shows, Altered To My Own Life

"I decided a long time ago that I was going to love him despite the fact that he is rude and doesn't realize it and arrogant. Despite the fact that he gets tired so easily, and gets sick from nothing. Even though he's a hypochondriac, and has a receding hairline. I promised to love him even though he didn't have a job, and didn't take me out on dates, and can't decide what to do with his life. He never gives a solid answer and he talks down to people. I was hoping that he'd accept me, and embrace the fact that I am sometimes wrapped in my own little world, and even though I talk during movies and care too much about how I look and argue about everything and am over sensitive and I'm sure there's lots of other things too. I was hoping he would be willing to accept some of these things, accept some of my flaws, and help me with the things I long to change. But he is so impatient he can't wait for that. And I don't think he will find anyone to accept these things about him like I loved them."

It Hurts So Good

Lately I've been thinking a lot
Lord knows that's never good
But my heart has been torn apart
Because of things that never should

Sometimes these things don't work out
Doesn't it seem like it always happens to you
For some moronic reason he gets a doubt
And you end up writing a dumb song like Blink 182

This ain't your ordinary love song
Its not something you'd want to hear
It doesn't really make you feel strong
It's not contagious, there's nothing to fear

You feel pathetic, like its the end
When really its kind of the beginning
In time, maybe your heart will mend
And maybe the world will stop spinning

It's not easy to laugh it off
It's easier to cry than do a silly dance
But I'll do it just to hear the uncomfortable cough
I kinda hope you think I'm crazy, even in my own trance

This ain't your ordinary love song
When really its kind of the beginning
It doesn't really make you feel strong
It's not contagious, there's nothing to fear

Perhaps in time it will get easier
But you never know, it may not
Until I know I'll live life breezier
Even when you remember you forgot






I just needed some humor in my life :) I wrote this very lightheartedly, nothing too serious or anything lol :)

Disappointment

Well Simon didn't waste any time being alone, he's already looking for someone through dating websites. And I'm sure he's looking through facebook and myspace as well for someone. This both kind of upsets me, and doesn't make me feel anything. It upsets me because it makes me feel like he doesn't even care about me a little bit at all anymore. And it just makes me feel numb because I know he won't find anyone, especially not anyone as wonderful as me. In my heart I know he won't find anyone as good for him as I am. I may have my flaws, and so may he, but that doesn't mean we aren't compatible. Whatever, I will let him scour the earth for the "perfect one" and when he realizes that I was it all along, he will come back. I can't even think about dating in this delicate state I am in. The numbness is dominant today.

Pray

It's hard to say how I feel right now. It varies between different feelings depending on the time of day, who I'm talking to, or anything else. Sometimes I am in so much pain, like my heart is breaking into a million pieces, or like someone is carving a sharp jagged hole into me. Other times I don't feel anything. Just nothing but nothing is what I feel sometimes. That's the scariest thing. Because I don't know if I will ever be able to feel something again. I can't believe how close to God I have gotten to within this horrible situation. I feel myself praying to him even when I don't even realize it, thanking him for everything he has done for me, and asking him for the strength I need. I know he has a plan for me. I admit it's hard waiting to find out exactly what that plan is. But I will wait, and I know what he has planned is best. Even if that means being alone forever. That's such a sad thought. To be alone forever with a million cats. Well, maybe not cats since I don't really even like cats. Maybe I'll be the first of the old lonely crazy dog ladies. I don't know. On other notes I've decided to write kind of a memoir. Like an autobiography, but about my testimony. So many people have written testimonies about things that don't even compare to the triumph I have obtained. I feel like I will be a positive influence on Christians everywhere when thy hear my testimony. I feel like this is my gift. I so want to be used by God, and I've prayed about it, and I think this is my calling. I guess I'll write more later.

I Guess This Is What I Get For Letting My Heart Win

I knew this change was coming
It wasn't that hard to see
It's made my mind so numbing
Why did you let this come to be?

You told me you loved me so
But were those just words to you?
I could see it like I see the wind blow
I guess it's time for something new

I don't need this crap from you
But I have my God to lean onto
He's got a perfect plan for me
Until then, patiently waiting I'll be

It's the trifecta of all things hard to see
From my head, my heart, or some other part of me
Trapped in this fractal image, too hard to fly
I thought I needed you just to get by

I'm not gonna make this easy at all
One day you're gonna realize this mistake
You'll pick up the phone and try to call
Be careful, I might not even be awake

I don't need this crap from you
But I have my God to lean onto
He's got a perfect plan for me
Until then, patiently waiting I'll be

God I pray to you for the strength I need
To mend the hole in my heart, set me free
I know you have this plan for me
Until then, waiting I will be

God Give Me The Strength I Need

I didn't sleep one wink last night. My mind is too jumbled, too out of order to sleep. I keep thinking why would he do this to me, why would he give up so easily. I feel so many emotions; anger, sadness, and sometimes I don't feel anything at all. I've been praying to God all night, praying that he'll realize how stupid he's being, that he'll come back to me because I am the one for him. I feel so broken right now, I don't even know how to get back up from this. He's not just taking away the love of my life, he's taking away my best friend. Because I know he's going to want to remain "friends," but when has that ever worked? It will never be the same again.

I've been reading 1 Corinthians 13. Its kind of both bringing up my spirits, but also making me sad. I know a lot of this is my fault. We've been fighting and it's been because of me; I'm too stubborn sometimes. I know the old proverb "if you set the bird free and it comes back its yours" could be this case, but I don't want to set him free, even though I might have to. I can only pray that he comes back to me. It's crazy that I've now been comparing this situation to Twilight's 2nd book, New Moon. I'm actually kind of hoping this will how it will be. I love him so much, I don't want to give him up yet. I don't want to give him up at all. But if that's what makes him happy, even though I am happiest with him, then I cannot refuse it. I know he'll come back to me. I believe he will. I have to, that's all I have left.

Breathe and Book

Lately, I seem to have become more and more irritable. Things really stupid and really small are bothering me more and more, and I don't know why. My mom is getting more and more on my nerves, and its not like she intentionally doing it. But it seems to me like everything she says is annoying. Even Simon is starting to bug me. Like how he hardly ever tells me he loves me anymore. I can feel him distancing himself from me, and I don't like it, but that's just making me more on edge. I can barely contain myself and its getting harder and harder to breathe. I can feel the change coming, and I don't like it one bit. I love Simon so much I'm afraid of losing him. Especially since I have no idea why I am.

In other aspects of my life, my book is coming along really great. I'm going through chapter 5 and I know where I want the book to go. I have a great plan, and I'm getting a lot of help from the master himself Stephen King. Well, not him exactly, but his book "On Writing." I always read it when I get stuck and it gets me open and writing. I feel like I need more help though. But I like it so far.

Various Surfaces, Kite Flying, and Another Word for Love

I've often had various places to put my writing. I have 2 livejournals (melijelly.livejournal.com & cornflakenurd.livejournal.com), a website (melijelly.tripod.com/melissasworks), and of course my trusty, yet seemingly sick, laptop which consists of microsoft word to hold my thoughts. So although I have all these places, it seemed fitting to become part of the blogspot world. Maybe I have some sort of compulsive disorder, the Lord knows I'm a little off in my head, but I somehow needed another outlet. Perhaps this one will be a little more... permanent. I'm still going to keep tabs on my other surfaces of distraction, but this one seems like it will be used more.

It's hard to believe that I'm no longer a teenager; I don't feel any different, but somehow I know that I am. And surprisingly so, when the clock rolled to that newfound adult-hood, I felt like I missed a small part of my childhood, one that was quickly filled by the love of my life. Every child has felt the joy and satisfaction of flying a kite, their own kite, but I was one of the unfortunate few children who missed that experience. While the children in my neighborhood lined down the streets with their fathers and threw their kites in the air, I was being shuffled back and forth between my parents, missing this opportunity. Don't get me wrong, I don't fault my parents (and my bonus father, as I like to call my stepdad) for allowing me to miss this experience. In fact only a handful of times I can account for my stepfather has attempted to include me in on this, however, weather forecasts has prevented this. So when I turned 20, I was pleasantly surprised when I opened a very thoughtful gift from Simon to find a kite. When the wind picked up and captured the simplicity of the kite, I knew at that moment that there was something special in this moment. Something I was glad that God had allowed me to wait to share it with someone that was truly as special to me as the kite flying.

I finally made a decision on the title of my book. "Another Word for Love." Although it took me months to figure it out, that title fits completely. Here's something:

I had never been to a funeral before Mary's, but I could already tell that when someone dies, food replaces that person. Everyone we'd ever known came to our home, arms full of casseroles, cheeses, desserts, and roasts. They brought hot tea and boxes of tissues, and shoulders to cry on along with arms to hug.
My mother cried the most, a constant trail of tears down her cheeks. Her sister Betty came and the tears got stronger. I only saw my father let a few tears go, but he stayed strong for my mothers sake, holding her shoulder as it heaved with every sob.
I was the only one who didn't cry; not one tear was shed from my eyes. I felt bad because of this, but for some ludicrous reason I could not cry. Even as I read my speech, and the letter Mary left for me; even as I watched my sister's casket lowered deeper into the grave; even as I was offered condolences by what seemed hundreds of teary eyed people, some I didn't even know. I did not cry. I ate.
I tasted every piece of food that entered through our threshhold, and when my stomach could not hold it any longer, I puked it all out and ate some more.
But I did not cry.