No Thank You

I really cannot continue this way. My friends are gone, it feels like I don't even have any anymore. I have a creepy secret admirer who is stalking me, and I'm afraid to even leave my house. My mother is not helping with her constant unhappiness with my imperfection. I am trying so hard with everything. I am giving my all with school, and it's paying off with my success of all A's (hopefully). I got a job to help with my finances. I'm participating in various church activities. And yet it's not enough because I don't do things with her, I spend "all" my time with Jose, and I don't hang out with my friends. It's not my fault my friends don't want to hang out with me. It's not my fault that she makes it unbearable to be around her, and it's not my fault that I want to be around someone who makes me so unbelievably happy. It's all becoming so overwhelming. I don't want it anymore. No thank you.

No Take Backs

You can't take it back.
Not what you did.
Not what you said.
It can never be as it was before.

Your face is hidden behind another.
Which one is real?
I don't care to find out.
I don't care to stay.

What you did was over the line.
As was what you said.
Take your apologies, if you even have any.
And get away from me.

Fears

A lot has been placed on my plate at the moment, but I will divulge into that at another time. My main concern presently is Jose, or rather, his friends. His birthday is coming up at the end of this month, and while I will be spending it with him on the Saturday before his actual birthday, he will be gone to Ft Myers on his actual birthday with his band. There are a couple reasons I am kind of nervous about this. Number 1, his best friend and the singer is not exactly on the best path right now. He's cheating on his girlfriend with a much younger girl and his lifestyle isn't too great. Number 2, I was hoping to spend his birthday with him, but I won't be. I guess I just have this crazy notion that they will convince him to either break up with me or cheat on me. He's already cheated once, I guess I'm scared of the notion once a cheater always a cheater. I trust him, I do, but his friends not so much. Just needed to let go of my fears for a moment...

Must Be Nice (working title)

I've been feeling less like myself
And more like someone else
Like your twisted marionette
Cut my strings so I'll forget

The truth is hidden behind your eyes
I can't take anymore unbearable lies
You fake it well with your crooked smile
This act can only last for a short while

You stand tall in your ivy tower
Showing off your embellished power
Like Goliath and the young David
I'll sling it back and I will make it

Whoa it must be nice
Oh to be the only one who's right
You can keep your ignorant advice
And I will keep my humble pride

I see it's not just a bad dream
It's more than this, more than things unseen
I can see you'll never change
But who am I, just someone strange?

You stand tall in your ivy tower
Showing off your embellished power
Like Goliath and the young David
I'll sling it back and I will make it

Whoa it must be nice
Oh to be the only one who's right
You can keep your ignorant advice
And I will keep my humble pride

I must be wrong
I must be wrong
Whoa it must be nice

I must be wrong
I must be wrong
Whoa it must be nice

I must be wrong
I must be wrong
Whoa it must be nice

Whoa it must be nice
Oh to be the only one who's right
You can keep your ignorant advice
And I will keep my humble pride

I can feel myself slipping into the depression that I was once so used to. I had become comfortable with myself and had gotten away from the depression, but lately I have felt otherwise. I feel as though I do not have many close relationships with my friends anymore, and the friends I have are bailing on me lately. I feel under appreciated with Jose at times. I feel angry with myself for getting angry because of Simon's snide comments (which I don't understand why, after a year, he feels the need to continue to bring me down). I feel frustrated with my parents because even now, after almost 4 months of my relationship, they still treat Jose in a way he does not deserve. I feel overwhelmed with the amount of schoolwork I am encountering. I have recently acquired a (very awesome) job as a clown, but I still find myself wanting more. I can't seem to find the words to throw myself into my writing, and that is bringing my spirits down. What I do write is nothing good, and even when it is good it's very depressing and in the form of a song or a poem, which doesn't help my book.

Where Did You Go?

This city has grown out of control
The people are walking backwards and upside down
Where did the lucid go?
Where did you go?

In a sea of confusion and uncertainty
I thought I could find you at the bottom
But where did the stability go?
Where did you go?

Honestly I can't believe
It had to be this way
I thought we were on the same page
But where did you go?
I can't seem to find you anywhere
Oh where did you go?

This path beneath my feet is marked with tears
Pulling me down, pulling me under
Where did the happiness go?
Where did you go?

Honestly I can't believe
It had to be this way
I thought we were on the same page
But where did you go?
I can't seem to find you anywhere
Oh where did you go?

I've come to feel
Like everyones marionette
So I'll paint the smile upon my face
If only I had known
You'd been looking as well
I'd have stayed on the ground

Honestly I finally see
How it got to be this way
I was a chapter behind
Story of my life
Now I know
Oh where did you go?

My Name Is Melissa

I was 20 years old when I died, and 20 years old when I became alive again. It all happened within the span of 6 months. One man came in to kill me, and another came in to make me alive. This of course is being taken on record to shed into my new life. I am finally alive. I finally understand what it is to actually live. I'm not just an existence. I am alive.

I Am Seeing In Me Now The Things You Swore You Saw Yourself

It's been so hard for me to believe him when he says those sweet things I've always wanted to hear. The pain others have placed in my heart have overshadowed it for entirely too long, and finally, those walls are starting to fall however slowly that may be. The words still ring in my ears, and in my heart, but slowly they are being silenced by every moment and every word he whispers in my ears. I am finally learning my worth. I am amazing. I am kind hearted, sweet, loving, caring. I am beautiful. I am fun to hang out with. I am funny, spontaneous. I am a strong girl. I have been through alot but I remain strong.