Ode of Resentment

Before I met you I was
STRONG
SELF ASSURED
I wasn't afraid of
ANYTHING
And I knew what I
WANTED
But you came in like a wolf in sheep's clothing
With destruction on the end of your tongue.
You beat me down with everything you had
Sending me into an emotional whirlwind.
You pointed to my faults in the most malicious manner,
Unforgiving of what I cannot change in your eyes.
You made me into this
WEAK
SELF-CONSCIOUS
INSECURE
SCARED
Person I never wanted to become.

You're Like Salt On An Open Wound

I wish I had never met you, because if I hadn't met you I wouldn't know how much of a failure I am. I wouldn't know ow incompetent I am. I wouldn't know how dumb I am. I wouldn't know how ugly I am. I wouldn't know how much I lacked in my spiritual life. I wouldn't know how useless I am. I wouldn't know how unskilled I am. I wouldn't know that my condition is something to be ashamed of. I wouldn't know that I am not someone to be proud of. I wouldn't know I am worthless. I wouldn't feel so bad about myself. But most of all, I wouldn't know what it felt like to have my heart shattered by someone I ultimately trusted.

Something Old & New, Nothing Borrowed or Blue Yet

Something Old:
She Is

She is sometimes way up high
And sometimes way down low
She can often get to freaking out
She can get to being slow
She can also be obnoxious
But mostly she's learning to grow

She sometimes is easily crumbled
When she feels a little weak
She was fortunate enough to be given the world
But she forgets her heart is on her sleeve
Although that didn't work out all the time
When everyone she let in would leave

But now I'm learning
To be strong
When things aren't easy
When things go wrong
Yeah I'm learning
To keep myself fighting
To stand out in the rain
I can feel the lightning

She can often be difficult to deal
Often too tough to be reasoned
She sometimes acts a little crazy
Sometimes too stubborn to listen
She tries so hard to hide her fears
But lets them out when nobody's near

But now I'm learning
To be strong
When things aren't easy
When things go wrong
Yeah, I'm learning
To keep myself fighting
To stand out in the rain
I can feel the lightning

And now I think it's safe to say

She's the grace of God
The sunshine through the clouds
She's the hope in the light
She's not afraid to make it loud
She's not afraid to dream
And now she's finally proud
She is finally proud
She found who she could be
I found who I can be
She is me

Something New:
College Group - August 23, 2009
Empty Words -> Matthew 7:21 - 27
Don't go through life self-deceived. Your life must change.
Your life must be an outward expression of an inward change.
Discussion Questions:
1)What are your thoughts on this passage? Is it encouraging or terrifying? Or both?
2)How serious of a problem do you think this is within the Church today? What percentage of the people at Church would you say are self-deceived?
3)How does the passage from Matthew 7:24 - 27 directly relate to 21 - 23? (Hint: Rain & Flood are Final Judgment of God).
4)One of the most shocking things about this passage is the claims that these people are making, which include prophesying, exorcism, and miracles. How can it be that these people did such great things, and yet not enter the Kingdom of Heaven? What are some examples in the Bible where God uses ungodly people to accomplish His purpose? (Read John 11:49 - 53) (Also read Numbers 24:15 - 19 & 2 Peter 2:15)

and on a final note, Jose is awesome :)

He's an inconsiderate jerk, and I am so glad I'm through with him.

Things

I've been doing quite a lot of thinking. I do that a lot. I've been thinking about all sorts of things.

Things I Am:
- Unforgettable
- Hyper
- A Contradiction
- One of a Kind
- Loving
- Sweet
- Someone who tries really hard
- Talented
- Passionate
- A Christian
- An educator
- Artistic
- A Writer
- "Out There"
- A little bipolar sometimes
- An awesome friend
- A Good Time
- Smart
- A Trophy
- Someone's "perfect" woman
- Pretty awesome in general
- Asking you to add more if you think of anything?


Things I Like:
- Diet coke, too much
- Reading
- Writing
- Music
- Doctor shows that make me wish I could handle blood so I could be a doctor (ex: House, Scrubs)
- Scary movies when I'm in the mood
- Romantic movies
- Comedies that I can quote later on
- My sidekick
- My best frand Scarlet <3
- People who are honest, and aren't mean about the truth
- My aunt Jenny, she's more like a cooler older sister
- To sing, but I don't sing that well
- My tattoos
- God. A whole lot. He's awesome.
- People that make me laugh
- Pictures of ugly things
- Weddings
- Being appreciated

Things I Dislike:
- People that think they are better than they actually are
- People that drink too much
- People who can't spell/read/write/are just plain dumb
- People that have unhealthy addictions
- People with no drive
- People that always play "devils advocate," it gets annoying after a while
- Cheaters
- Liars
- Bad friends
- Trash talkers
- People who dislike me for reasons unknown. Grow up.
- People that curse a lot. It trashy.
- People who have sex just to do it
- People that do things everyone else does
- People that can't think for themselves
- People that aren't well educated. I can't seem to keep a conversation with idiots.
- People who don't respect themselves or me
- People who are judgmental

Pretty sure that's it for now, I'll more than likely add more later :)

Different

Sometimes I wish I was a different person. A different person with different thoughts, with a different life, different people to interact with. I wish my circumstances were different, with a different heart, and different eyes to see through. I wish I didn't fall in love, I wish I didn't even have the capability to even feel love. But then I realize, nothing is ever different, and nothing will ever change. I am the same person who will always be the one to get hurt, the one who will never amount to anything. The one who will be alone forever. Goodbye. It's not even worth it anymore.

Bad Friends & Panic

I have recently been reevaluating a lot of things in my life. More specifically, my friends, and I realize that I have a lot of, or used to have a lot of, bad friends. They aren't there when I need them, and they are so selfish, thinking only of themselves. I suppose this mostly irritates me because I am a good friend and do everything can for my friends, so when they let me down, it hurts extra hard. I deserve better.

And on that note, I've been having a lot of panic attacks lately. I don't know why, but it happens a lot. It gets really hot, and it gets really hard to breathe. So then I freak out and I have no idea what to do. I feel so bad. I feel like I'm having one now. What do I do? This really scares me...