I Am Finally Done

I'm done with all of this. I'm done with dumb guys telling me I'm fat, leading me on, playing with my mind and my heart. Forget it, I'm done. I've come to the conclusion that all guys from Christ Fellowship are self-centered jerks who only think of themselves, and I am done with them. Its come to the point where I don't even want to be at that church anymore thats how hurt I am. I just can't take it anymore. I want to leave and never come back. I am so sick of everything.

Gun Powder & Lead

I feel like I am hardening, or at least my heart is. I know the next relationship I will have I will be a jerk, and I feel so bad for the guy. It's like I've been burned so much by guys that I feel like I will be a jerk.

Oddities & Abnormalities

I feel like God has blessed me with the ability to be humored by oddities in the world, and by immersing me in the abnormalities of life. Last night as I was leaving FIU, I saw a homeless man on a unicycle. That literally made my day good. Then today, as I was driving, I glance to my right at a stop sign where a daycare is, and I watch (unsuspecting) as a 3 year old tries to escape the day care by riding full speed on a big wheel into a huge metal gate. That made my day epic. Then there are just the abnormalities I see. Then while I was driving to school I see this truck pulling a bizarre trailer. Crazy. Then a few days ago I was driving home from work and I see a sort of mini fire truck for like midgets! That was insane looking. Then, last weekend I went to The Holy Land Experience for my moms birthday and they had these creepy Jesus cutouts!

Needs

I need to get away. Everything has become overwhelming, pulling me under, deeper and deeper into the black sea. The waves pound against my ribs, suffocating my lungs. I can't find the surface, I can't find air. I struggle against the furious waters, losing this battle. It all seemed so innocent before, when I stood at the cliff, staring into the sea, exhilarated by its power. I thought I could handle it when I jumped from the ledge, allowing the waves to pull me in. But now as I struggle to breathe, I realize that things are not always as they seem. And with my last breath, I curse the world around me.

Serious Questions

Albert Camus wrote that the only serious question is whether to kill yourself or not. Tom Robbins wrote that the only serious question is whether time has a beginning or an end. Camus clearly got up on the wrong side of the bed, and Robbins must have forgotten to set the alarm. There is only one serious question. And that is: Who knows how to make love stay? Answer me that and I will tell you whether or not to kill yourself. Answer me that and I will ease your mind about the beginning and the end of time. Answer me that and I will reveal to you the purpose of the moon.

Dreams

The last few nights I've been having some very bizarre dreams. Some of them are just weird, and some of them really scare me. My next few posts will probably, and more than likely, be about these dreams. The weird ones leave me confused and wondering. Like the dream I had where my arms wouldn't stop growing at an alarming rate. They grew so long they dragged across the floor. Or one time I dreamed the I shrunk to the size of a walnut and birds were trying to eat me, and people were trying to squish me. But the ones that scare me always come in the form of a night terror; when I wake up I still think I am dreaming; the dream seeming so real I can feel everything. In one of these a faceless figure in a long black cloak had pushed me into a deep pit, laughing a sadistic laugh as I fell into the fiery pit of the hole. Another was the world ending. I could see the flames among the Earth, smell the burning bodies, hear the screams. I was the only one to survive and I felt the loneliness. But the latest dream, from last night, scared me the most. I was becoming some kind of monster, and i could actually feel it. I could actually feel my eyes turn red, and the anger burning in my chest. I couldn't control myself as I let the anger fill me and I kill everyone I knew and didn't know with my bare hands. I always wake up scared, always feeling sore and like I didn't sleep at all.

Happy Anniversary To Me :D

Today is my 1 year anniversary to living a pure and clean life. I am so proud of myself. Looking back, I can't even imagine how I could have been that way. My life now is so much more fulfilled the way I am now. I wanted to do something special, but I don't think that's going to happen. I don't really have anyone to do anything special with. My friends don't really have time for me, my parents are busy; I guess I'll just be by myself again. Not exactly how I wanted to spend today.

Choices

Each morning when you I up, I have two choices. I can choose to be in a good mood, or I can choose to be in a bad mood. I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim, or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining, or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.

Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live your life. Attitude, after all, is everything. "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34