Pray

It's hard to say how I feel right now. It varies between different feelings depending on the time of day, who I'm talking to, or anything else. Sometimes I am in so much pain, like my heart is breaking into a million pieces, or like someone is carving a sharp jagged hole into me. Other times I don't feel anything. Just nothing but nothing is what I feel sometimes. That's the scariest thing. Because I don't know if I will ever be able to feel something again. I can't believe how close to God I have gotten to within this horrible situation. I feel myself praying to him even when I don't even realize it, thanking him for everything he has done for me, and asking him for the strength I need. I know he has a plan for me. I admit it's hard waiting to find out exactly what that plan is. But I will wait, and I know what he has planned is best. Even if that means being alone forever. That's such a sad thought. To be alone forever with a million cats. Well, maybe not cats since I don't really even like cats. Maybe I'll be the first of the old lonely crazy dog ladies. I don't know. On other notes I've decided to write kind of a memoir. Like an autobiography, but about my testimony. So many people have written testimonies about things that don't even compare to the triumph I have obtained. I feel like I will be a positive influence on Christians everywhere when thy hear my testimony. I feel like this is my gift. I so want to be used by God, and I've prayed about it, and I think this is my calling. I guess I'll write more later.