Perfect

I've been having some pretty bizarre dreams lately. Last night I had a dream that I was hanging out with Scarlet and Brandon and some other people I didn't recognize. Then, because I'm exceptionally clumsy, I fell and a black widow spider bit me and crawled under my skin. Then Scarlet took my wrist, the point of penetration, and sucked out the spider and the venom. It was so weird. Then later on we were sitting in some room and she told me she hated Simon. lol it was so weird!

On brighter notes, well, at least less bizarre ones, I have a girl date with Scarlet and Brandi. I'm so excited for it :) I love both those girls and they are so wonderful :) They are exactly the kind of friends that I need, that I love, and that I want :) We're going to see The Ugly Truth at the movies in Homestead. I'm excited to see it, it looks hilarious! Yay girl time! <3

In regards of my book, I am exponentially grateful to have Scarlet as my freditor :) She helped me so much with my first 6 1/2 chapters (6 normal and 1 prologue). I've been busy editing that and continuing my book. I keep going back and fixing things instead of just writing straight through and then going back. Maybe that's good, maybe it's bad, I don't know lol Anyway, it's going great, especially since I've been sick the past couple days so this was all I could pretty much do. Thankfully I'm a lot better today so I can go on my girl date :)

"Love" takes a humorous direction

No, I'm not yet again rambling on about the Simon situation. This is merely an update on my book "Another Word for Love." I just abbreviated it to "Love" for title purposes on this blog. I took a tiny break from writing for a while, and I went back and reread what I had already written, and I started to realize, my main character doesn't even have a personality! So I decided to change that, and here is a little snippet :)

“Table for two, please.” Cross said to the hostess.
She was tall and angular; her long legs seemed to go on for miles from under her black pencil skirt. Her whole body was perfectly tan, despite the fact that we were well into the fall months and the temperature was dropping quickly. I suspected fake tanner. She smiled, showing off her perfect straight bleach white teeth, flipping her long brunette hair over her shoulder as she attempted to seductively reach for two menus. The name tag that sat strategically on her large left breast read “Kandy.” It sounded like a stripper’s name. She gathered the menus and glanced up through her fallen hair at Cross, trying to flirt, I suppose.
I wasn’t even on her radar. I didn’t exist. I wanted to reach my fist and plunge it into her fake nose.
“Right this way.” She enticingly utter in a butter smooth voice. Her black kitten heels clip clopped on the tile floors, and she intentionally shook her butt in front of Cross. I felt my face get hot with anger, but when I looked at Cross, his eyes were only on me. This both surprised me, and made me uncomfortable. I was obviously very plain next to this beautiful, yet slutty girl. Why is he looking at me?


So that's it for now :) I hope her changes make her seem more human.

Straight from Freak Shows, Altered To My Own Life

"I decided a long time ago that I was going to love him despite the fact that he is rude and doesn't realize it and arrogant. Despite the fact that he gets tired so easily, and gets sick from nothing. Even though he's a hypochondriac, and has a receding hairline. I promised to love him even though he didn't have a job, and didn't take me out on dates, and can't decide what to do with his life. He never gives a solid answer and he talks down to people. I was hoping that he'd accept me, and embrace the fact that I am sometimes wrapped in my own little world, and even though I talk during movies and care too much about how I look and argue about everything and am over sensitive and I'm sure there's lots of other things too. I was hoping he would be willing to accept some of these things, accept some of my flaws, and help me with the things I long to change. But he is so impatient he can't wait for that. And I don't think he will find anyone to accept these things about him like I loved them."

It Hurts So Good

Lately I've been thinking a lot
Lord knows that's never good
But my heart has been torn apart
Because of things that never should

Sometimes these things don't work out
Doesn't it seem like it always happens to you
For some moronic reason he gets a doubt
And you end up writing a dumb song like Blink 182

This ain't your ordinary love song
Its not something you'd want to hear
It doesn't really make you feel strong
It's not contagious, there's nothing to fear

You feel pathetic, like its the end
When really its kind of the beginning
In time, maybe your heart will mend
And maybe the world will stop spinning

It's not easy to laugh it off
It's easier to cry than do a silly dance
But I'll do it just to hear the uncomfortable cough
I kinda hope you think I'm crazy, even in my own trance

This ain't your ordinary love song
When really its kind of the beginning
It doesn't really make you feel strong
It's not contagious, there's nothing to fear

Perhaps in time it will get easier
But you never know, it may not
Until I know I'll live life breezier
Even when you remember you forgot






I just needed some humor in my life :) I wrote this very lightheartedly, nothing too serious or anything lol :)

Disappointment

Well Simon didn't waste any time being alone, he's already looking for someone through dating websites. And I'm sure he's looking through facebook and myspace as well for someone. This both kind of upsets me, and doesn't make me feel anything. It upsets me because it makes me feel like he doesn't even care about me a little bit at all anymore. And it just makes me feel numb because I know he won't find anyone, especially not anyone as wonderful as me. In my heart I know he won't find anyone as good for him as I am. I may have my flaws, and so may he, but that doesn't mean we aren't compatible. Whatever, I will let him scour the earth for the "perfect one" and when he realizes that I was it all along, he will come back. I can't even think about dating in this delicate state I am in. The numbness is dominant today.

Pray

It's hard to say how I feel right now. It varies between different feelings depending on the time of day, who I'm talking to, or anything else. Sometimes I am in so much pain, like my heart is breaking into a million pieces, or like someone is carving a sharp jagged hole into me. Other times I don't feel anything. Just nothing but nothing is what I feel sometimes. That's the scariest thing. Because I don't know if I will ever be able to feel something again. I can't believe how close to God I have gotten to within this horrible situation. I feel myself praying to him even when I don't even realize it, thanking him for everything he has done for me, and asking him for the strength I need. I know he has a plan for me. I admit it's hard waiting to find out exactly what that plan is. But I will wait, and I know what he has planned is best. Even if that means being alone forever. That's such a sad thought. To be alone forever with a million cats. Well, maybe not cats since I don't really even like cats. Maybe I'll be the first of the old lonely crazy dog ladies. I don't know. On other notes I've decided to write kind of a memoir. Like an autobiography, but about my testimony. So many people have written testimonies about things that don't even compare to the triumph I have obtained. I feel like I will be a positive influence on Christians everywhere when thy hear my testimony. I feel like this is my gift. I so want to be used by God, and I've prayed about it, and I think this is my calling. I guess I'll write more later.

I Guess This Is What I Get For Letting My Heart Win

I knew this change was coming
It wasn't that hard to see
It's made my mind so numbing
Why did you let this come to be?

You told me you loved me so
But were those just words to you?
I could see it like I see the wind blow
I guess it's time for something new

I don't need this crap from you
But I have my God to lean onto
He's got a perfect plan for me
Until then, patiently waiting I'll be

It's the trifecta of all things hard to see
From my head, my heart, or some other part of me
Trapped in this fractal image, too hard to fly
I thought I needed you just to get by

I'm not gonna make this easy at all
One day you're gonna realize this mistake
You'll pick up the phone and try to call
Be careful, I might not even be awake

I don't need this crap from you
But I have my God to lean onto
He's got a perfect plan for me
Until then, patiently waiting I'll be

God I pray to you for the strength I need
To mend the hole in my heart, set me free
I know you have this plan for me
Until then, waiting I will be

God Give Me The Strength I Need

I didn't sleep one wink last night. My mind is too jumbled, too out of order to sleep. I keep thinking why would he do this to me, why would he give up so easily. I feel so many emotions; anger, sadness, and sometimes I don't feel anything at all. I've been praying to God all night, praying that he'll realize how stupid he's being, that he'll come back to me because I am the one for him. I feel so broken right now, I don't even know how to get back up from this. He's not just taking away the love of my life, he's taking away my best friend. Because I know he's going to want to remain "friends," but when has that ever worked? It will never be the same again.

I've been reading 1 Corinthians 13. Its kind of both bringing up my spirits, but also making me sad. I know a lot of this is my fault. We've been fighting and it's been because of me; I'm too stubborn sometimes. I know the old proverb "if you set the bird free and it comes back its yours" could be this case, but I don't want to set him free, even though I might have to. I can only pray that he comes back to me. It's crazy that I've now been comparing this situation to Twilight's 2nd book, New Moon. I'm actually kind of hoping this will how it will be. I love him so much, I don't want to give him up yet. I don't want to give him up at all. But if that's what makes him happy, even though I am happiest with him, then I cannot refuse it. I know he'll come back to me. I believe he will. I have to, that's all I have left.

Breathe and Book

Lately, I seem to have become more and more irritable. Things really stupid and really small are bothering me more and more, and I don't know why. My mom is getting more and more on my nerves, and its not like she intentionally doing it. But it seems to me like everything she says is annoying. Even Simon is starting to bug me. Like how he hardly ever tells me he loves me anymore. I can feel him distancing himself from me, and I don't like it, but that's just making me more on edge. I can barely contain myself and its getting harder and harder to breathe. I can feel the change coming, and I don't like it one bit. I love Simon so much I'm afraid of losing him. Especially since I have no idea why I am.

In other aspects of my life, my book is coming along really great. I'm going through chapter 5 and I know where I want the book to go. I have a great plan, and I'm getting a lot of help from the master himself Stephen King. Well, not him exactly, but his book "On Writing." I always read it when I get stuck and it gets me open and writing. I feel like I need more help though. But I like it so far.

Various Surfaces, Kite Flying, and Another Word for Love

I've often had various places to put my writing. I have 2 livejournals (melijelly.livejournal.com & cornflakenurd.livejournal.com), a website (melijelly.tripod.com/melissasworks), and of course my trusty, yet seemingly sick, laptop which consists of microsoft word to hold my thoughts. So although I have all these places, it seemed fitting to become part of the blogspot world. Maybe I have some sort of compulsive disorder, the Lord knows I'm a little off in my head, but I somehow needed another outlet. Perhaps this one will be a little more... permanent. I'm still going to keep tabs on my other surfaces of distraction, but this one seems like it will be used more.

It's hard to believe that I'm no longer a teenager; I don't feel any different, but somehow I know that I am. And surprisingly so, when the clock rolled to that newfound adult-hood, I felt like I missed a small part of my childhood, one that was quickly filled by the love of my life. Every child has felt the joy and satisfaction of flying a kite, their own kite, but I was one of the unfortunate few children who missed that experience. While the children in my neighborhood lined down the streets with their fathers and threw their kites in the air, I was being shuffled back and forth between my parents, missing this opportunity. Don't get me wrong, I don't fault my parents (and my bonus father, as I like to call my stepdad) for allowing me to miss this experience. In fact only a handful of times I can account for my stepfather has attempted to include me in on this, however, weather forecasts has prevented this. So when I turned 20, I was pleasantly surprised when I opened a very thoughtful gift from Simon to find a kite. When the wind picked up and captured the simplicity of the kite, I knew at that moment that there was something special in this moment. Something I was glad that God had allowed me to wait to share it with someone that was truly as special to me as the kite flying.

I finally made a decision on the title of my book. "Another Word for Love." Although it took me months to figure it out, that title fits completely. Here's something:

I had never been to a funeral before Mary's, but I could already tell that when someone dies, food replaces that person. Everyone we'd ever known came to our home, arms full of casseroles, cheeses, desserts, and roasts. They brought hot tea and boxes of tissues, and shoulders to cry on along with arms to hug.
My mother cried the most, a constant trail of tears down her cheeks. Her sister Betty came and the tears got stronger. I only saw my father let a few tears go, but he stayed strong for my mothers sake, holding her shoulder as it heaved with every sob.
I was the only one who didn't cry; not one tear was shed from my eyes. I felt bad because of this, but for some ludicrous reason I could not cry. Even as I read my speech, and the letter Mary left for me; even as I watched my sister's casket lowered deeper into the grave; even as I was offered condolences by what seemed hundreds of teary eyed people, some I didn't even know. I did not cry. I ate.
I tasted every piece of food that entered through our threshhold, and when my stomach could not hold it any longer, I puked it all out and ate some more.
But I did not cry.